Monday, March 18, 2013

Pitch Madness!

So in the spirit of sharing (and networking!) here is my entry for Pitch Madness! Not such of a much, really, but I'd appreciate any comments and critique. In fact, this blog is created expressly for the purpose of posting this entry. I can definitely say that I think my logline probably needed some work, but I woke up Friday morning to realize I'd written a tagline, not a logline, which necessitated a last minute rewrite. Which was lucky, since I later saw a tweet describing the difference.

If your interest is piqued, please head on over to Goodreads, where you can read or download the first hundred pages of the book!

Without further ado, please enjoy!

Name: Justin Bloch
Title: THE STOLEN KARMA OF NATHANIEL VALENTINE
Genre: Contemporary Fantasy
Word Count: 114,000

Pitch:

With the help of a volatile angel, Nathaniel Valentine must unravel the mystery behind his own creation and that of a karmic monster, and find some way to fulfill his destiny by destroying the beast.

Excerpt:

The woman straddled him, grinning, her dark hair hanging down on either side of her face, tickling his cheeks. She was almost pretty when she smiled, with her full lips and flushed cheeks, but the effect was spoiled by the hunger in her eyes. It reminded him that she was a monster, and that he was about to die.

She leaned forward and kissed him. Nathaniel struggled against her, but the press of her body and lips was too much, like being buried beneath an avalanche, and he gave in. He was flat on his back, cocooned to the floor of his bedroom by spider silk. Her fingers danced above him like a pianist’s as she kissed him, spinning more threads, enshrouding him, covering his head. He had dreamt about his first kiss thousands of times: this was not how he had imagined it.

She pulled back suddenly, their lips coming apart with a smack. He gasped in surprise and the pleasant, sugary flavor of her cherry lip gloss vanished, replaced by the bitter, ashen taste of web as she gagged him, smothered his mouth and nose. He was bound head to toe now, tight, claustrophobic, and he fought against the woman, tried to buck her off. She stayed put, looked down at him hungrily, then laughed and ran a delicate finger over the line of his brow. He flinched, tried to scream and couldn’t.

“You look good enough to eat,” she purred. And she winked.
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4 comments:

  1. T.J.March 19, 2013 at 12:16 AM

    First - so happy to see a MALE doing a premise like this! YAY!

    Second - you have a good start. There are issues with passive writing, run on sentences, changes from present to past tense, overuse of pronouns, and telling instead of showing.

    I think if you revise a bit more, find some critique partners and beta readers, you could really wow them.

    The other issue is the word count. This isn't high fantasy, so word count should be in the 70k - 90k range.

    Don't give up - even with issues, it caught my attention and I'd love to see it go further.

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    1. Mythology MixologistMarch 19, 2013 at 8:26 AM

      Thanks for your critique! I can't write a full reply now, because I'm at work, but I wanted to thank you for giving this a look. I also had a question for you: I've looked but don't see any tense changes. Can you point out the ones you saw? I'm thinking you might mean the opening sentence?

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  2. AnonymousMarch 19, 2013 at 7:18 AM

    Thanks for sharing! The premise is interesting and has tremendous promise.

    I agree with T.J. on every suggestion. I also wonder whether this is adult, new adult, or young adult. The opening is suggestive but not over the top. Word count generally doesn't need to be that high, unless you are building a whole new world. Find ways to pare down each sentence to it's primary components. You can always add description later. If you disallow yourself access to adjectives and adverbs, you must find more powerful nouns and verbs. You also run a lesser chance of mixing metaphors. For instance, in the sentence beginning 'Her fingers,' you compare her to a pianist and a spider.

    The pitch needs to be much tighter. These words/phrases are general and/or cliche: unravel the mystery; fulfill his destiny. Look for any grammar issues in your pitch: you don't need the comma before 'and' because you don't have a compound sentence or a serial list.

    I am a querier in the trenches, so remember to take all these words with a grain or several of salt. Best wishes on your endeavors!

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    Replies
    1. Mythology MixologistMarch 19, 2013 at 8:35 AM

      Hi, Amanda! Thank you for taking the time to give this a look, I really appreciate it. All feedback helps. As I said in my reply to T.J., I'm at work, so I can't do a full reply, but I did want to send you a quick note. On the subject of word count, there is a significant amount of world building in the book. Although a large portion takes place here, a section takes place in Heaven, and about half on another world. This is also the first in a five book series with an epic scope, although it's definitely not high fantasy. Oh, and it is an adult fantasy.

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